Directed
by Dan Walton and Dan Zachary, Starring: Darren Matheson, Lynn Csontos, Eliza
Faria. Horror, Canada, 2015, 81mins, Cert 18.
A
family move into an abandoned orphanage. (That’s all you really need to know
isn’t it?). Especially when the youngest daughter looks up at the
window and immediately asks: “Who was the lady that was upstairs?” Or that other
tell-tale ( tail) sign when the family’s lovable fluffy sheep dog starts
barking for No.Apparent.Reason, and the pooch's eyes are positively bulging with fear. Surely a cursory glance on the internet would have provided some clues as to why this abandoned orphanage isn’t
so much a ‘doer-upper’ but more of a ‘doer-you-in’. (Maybe
the 2004 children’s birthday party atrocity at the Carrington Orphanage might
have raised some doubts?)
But where would we be without creative ignorance? So
the family move in to the house that: “looks like where vampires live”
according to little Alyssa (Eliza Faria – think Danielle Harris in HALLOWEEN 4).
Originally titled AMERICAN CONJURING, (presumably James Wan wasn’t too thrilled
by that), what we get served up are generous dollops of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, seasoned
with a smidgeon of torture porn and accompanied by a risible ghostly apparition
that’s a cross between ‘Meg Muckelbones’ from LEGEND and ‘Zelda’ from Gerry
Anderson’s ’TERRAHAWKS’. The two directing Dan’s (Walton and Zachary) really
should have kept the ghost of Hesta Corbett in the shadows
(or preferably locked away in a cupboard). Less would, in this case, have been
considerably more.
The opening haunting shenanigans zip along at a fair
pace; yes they’re for the most part groan-inducingly clichéd: but the Double D’s
are nothing if not business like in moving on to the next well-used trope. (Viewing
tip: prepare a checklist in advance so you can tick each cliché off when they
appear on screen). Rocking chair rocking on its own (tick), child’s creepy
laughter and a sudden bouncing ball (tick), a self-moving pram (tick),
youngest child suddenly drawing horrific pictures (tick) etc, etc. Oh, and
dad’s all of a sudden vigorously chopping wood in the backyard with a shiny
axe...
Taking the opposite approach to the James Wan School
of typically well-crafted jump-scare, BIND then resorts to upping the on screen
gore. The film features several scenes of child violence which certainly took
me by surprise, and whilst it’s obvious the dog stood about as much chance of
surviving as a nubile counsellor at Camp Crystal Lake, I was still somewhat
taken aback by the sheer brutality meted out to the poor mutt. (In comparison,
Muffin got off lightly in FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2). Mind you, most of
the supporting grown-up’s end up being dispatched in equally brutal fashion –
and one torturous scene involving the multiple threats of a blowtorch, a mallet
and a drill should act as a cautionary warning to any unscrupulous estate
agents!
And then, at around the 75 minute mark, the rug is
well and truly pulled from under the viewer’s feet and we’re presented with a
WTF moment. (At first I thought the screener had jumped back to an earlier
chapter by mistake). But no, it’s intentional on the part of the filmmakers who
just couldn’t resist conjuring (pun intended) up one final whopping cliché
before delivering a head-scratching denouement which left me cold (with incredulity, not fear).
**(out of 5*)
Paul Worts
