Directed
by Jack Burton, Starring: Michelle McTernan, Sarah Driver, Rosanna Hoult, Samantha
Schnitzler, James Groom. Horror. UK, 2017, 95mins, Cert 18.
Drunken
monks vs. killer tree trunks.
“I’d
rather have a rusty sword shoved up my arse!”
The
year is, err... (unspecified), in a place called, err... (unspecified). A brethren
of drunken debauched monks are about to be slaughtered at the hands of the
serving wenches they are lecherously pawing at. Unbeknown to the more pissed
than pious brothers; their servants are actually a band of female warriors out
for revenge against the monks who have sold their loved ones as slaves.
Unbeknown to everyone however, they are about to be joined at the monastery by
a handful of bedraggled gate crashing Vikings fleeing from an army of mutated
tree-like demons (listed as ‘tree bastards’ in the end credits, but also colourfully
described at one point as ‘splinter dicks’).
The
publicity blurb references a disparate range of film and TV comparisons, from
EVIL DEAD, RED SONJA and ASSAULT ON PRECINT 13, to ‘Game of Thrones’ and
‘Vikings’ – none of which are remotely justified. If they’d listed CREEPSHOW on
the other hand...The film opens with a falling meteor sequence lifted straight
out of the ‘The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill’ segment which provides the
origins of the tree mutation ‘delivered from the skies’ and bestowed upon the
cursed men. Unfortunately, you then have to wait 45 minutes before these ‘tree
bastards’ finally show up - which is fatal as the build up really doesn’t
justify the disappointingly desiccated sub SWAMP THING like creature designs
(mostly covered by robes).
Up
until that point, we are treated to a barrage of luridly unsubtle ribaldry,
washed down with decidedly historically unauthentic (and foul) dialogue, a
decent throat slashing or two, some vicious stabby stabby dispatching, and
scarred warrior leader Atheled (Michelle McTearnan) and her mini crossbow with
its seemingly magically unending supply of arrows.
None
of the characters are afforded anything other than rudimentary character
traits, and the often misjudged attempts at humour (yes I’m including you ‘lute
player’ in this observation) are largely cringe inducing.
Yet
despite the film’s numerous faults, it’s still watchable in a guilty
pleasurable kind of way, never dull despite its 90+ minutes running time, and
occasionally hints at what could have been given a better script and a bigger
budget to properly deliver on the undeniably promising premise. Given the scope
afforded to Peter Jackson to realise the ‘Ents’ in the LORD OF THE RINGS films,
you can’t fault the filmmakers ambitions, but inevitably, viewer goodwill can
only stretch so far before it snaps (like a twig) at these ‘tree bastards’. And
you can only sell a gory death by having an actor spew up gobbets of stage blood
as a substitute for an actual make-up set-piece or half-decent CGI rendition so
many times before you begin to realise that the requisite gory punch line isn’t
coming.
But
for a first-time feature, director Jack Burton’s Viking wooded demon mash-up
isn’t completely barking up the wrong tree.
**(out
of 5*)
Paul
Worts
This review was originally published by FrighFest
This review was originally published by FrighFest
