HIGHWAY TO HELL aka ELDORADO (2012)

(ELDORADO has since been re-packaged and re-released as: HIGHWAY TO HELL with a shorter running time of 92mins.)

Eldorado’s DVD packaging states that it has a running time of ‘158 mins approx’. Mercifully this is a typo (it’s actually 1 hour and 58 minutes). This is still, however, an inordinately lengthy time span for a film straining with every sinew to be a cult Blues Brothers musical road movie with a smattering of Texan cannibal splattering. In fact, it strains so hard it even features Buster Bloodvessel (sorry). So after all that straining what has writer producer and director Richard Driscoll actually achieved? Well, surprisingly not quite the cinematic turd you’d expect (although it comes perilously close at times). In fact, rather tellingly, ‘Eldorado’ plays better on second viewing – perhaps here lie the seeds of potential cult-status...

So where to start? How about a quote from the ‘Narrator’ played by Peter O’Toole: “For one reason or another, the motion picture you are about to watch is not very clear, in parts. As a matter of fact it was made to demonstrate how not to make a motion picture and at the same time win an academy award.” (It certainly ticks one of those boxes). Mr O’Toole pops up from time to time in the corner of the screen trying to make sense of the plot for the viewer. However, his opinion as to the possibility of actually achieving this is: “fat chance.” 

Ok deep breath, here we go. Oliver and Stanley (get it?) Rosenblum, a Jewish Blues Brothers tribute act called (wait for it) ‘The Jews Brothers’, are mistakenly sent to perform at a Neo Nazi conference in Vegas. Under the command of Hitler impersonating Sylvester McCoy (now there’s a line you won’t read every day) a car chase ensues with the Neo Nazi’s guns a blazing and some ropey CGI debris flying at the screen before Hitler’s car overturns and explodes. This near-fatal mix-up has been caused by their incompetent agent JJ, played by Steve Guttenberg sporting an over-sized pair of joke shop spectacles engulfed by a swarm of CGI flies (don’t ask). It turns out that the stripper was mistakenly sent to the Bar Mitzvah instead, a situation which prompts JJ to burst into miming ‘Stand by your man’ (as you would).

I fear I may have lost some of you already, but for those hardy souls still with me on this, I’ll fast-forward to the finale which takes place in the aforementioned mythical town of Eldorado. It is here where the actual horror element of the film kicks in. Ala Two Thousand Maniacs, the town is gearing up for a feast of tourists, prepared by Bill Moseley’s butcher ‘Lemmas’ and ‘Chef Mario’ played with customary understatement by Rik Mayall(!) On top of this we have deranged deformed ‘Tommy’ played with gusto and guts by Michael Barber, brandishing a chainsaw and giggling away whilst chewing on a bag of nipples.

To say that Eldorado’s cast is eclectic is more than somewhat of an understatement. Quite how Mr Driscoll coerced such a parade of (one-time) A-listers to appear in his ‘Mamma Mia for horror fans’ (the filmmaker’s description – not mine) is beyond me. Surely they didn’t all need the money?  But you certainly get more than you bargain for with this ‘B’ movie: Daryl Hannah, Michael Madsen and David Carradine (in his last albeit brief role) reuniting from ‘Kill Bill’. Jeff Fahey, Patrick Bergin and Brigitte Nielsen - who deserves a special mention for miming Ottis Redding’s ‘Respect’ in a hair salon whilst kitted out in stockings and suspenders. Throw a cameo by Caroline Munro into the melting pot and you sure have one big steaming pot of erm, surrealism.

Originally filmed in 3D – and due for a 3D release later in the year – Eldorado grabbed some fandom attention when the following statements were posted on the film’s Facebook page: ‘due to an ongoing battle with the BBFC for an 18 certification, Eldorado's initial release on Jan 30th will be in 2D only.’ This was then followed up with: ‘Richard Driscoll refuses to cut the film and demands that Eldorado be released in the form it was meant to be seen’. Understandably, this briefly catapulted the director to censorship martyrdom amongst horror aficionados, but the fact that it then inexplicably appeared on the shelves as an ‘uncut’ 15 certificate leads one to speculate as to the validity and motivation of those original statements.

Would I recommend Eldorado? Frankly I wouldn’t dare, however, given the right conditions (medium inebriation) it can offer up some undemanding sing-along fun. A bit like Mamma Mia come to think of it...  

Paul Worts

This review was originally published on the website: Contains Moderate Peril on March 21st 2012.